It’s heartening to know that there is still a private world where hearts can talk to one another, be it on a visual canvas, or simply in our dreams.
I wonder what you’re like when you’re not so far away. Are you romantic? Are your orgasms real? Do you have cats to learn life’s greatest lessons from?
Would you love me, I wonder?
Do you want children someday? What? What then?
Would you love me?
Sometimes we learn the hard way that forever sometimes really is.
Lately I’ve been getting comments from people who seem to think nothing scares me, that I’m fearless.
The truth of the matter is, I am afraid of failure. In that, I mean I’m terrified of becoming the walking dead. You know those people, the ones who had so many hopes and dreams, and it turns out in the end they never even leave their 6 block radius of comfort? They succumbed. They just exist like a lump on a log (you can thank my mom for that saying), never questioning their possibilities or doing anything to broaden their experiences. They take everything at face value and believe everything anyone tells them.
Possibly worse yet, are the people that let fear drive them. The abusive relationship that never ends, the horrible job that they never quit. I am afraid of becoming one of them. I guess that means I fear fear. How stupid.
I also fear losing love. I am afraid someday my daughter will look at me and realize she doesn’t like me. I know it will happen with her teenage years and all that, but I am afraid of not doing right by her, as much as I try to. I fear that I am too strict, too short with her. I fear that I will drive her away.
I am also afraid of my impatience. My confession is that sometimes making it through my day without snapping at someone is a challenge – not because I’m stressed out or anything, but because I see a lot of people as too stupid to even bother talking to. God. That is so horrible of me. My mother is one of the worst victims of my judgment, because. . .well, it seems like some people are made of heart, and some people are made of brains, and my mother and I seem to be on the exact opposite end of that spectrum.
I fear that she will stop taking care of me someday.
I fear that she will see through me.
I fear that I will have to atone for my attitude someday, and it will be a slow painful burn of loneliness.
I fear that I cannot change this fate.
I fear that soon, I won’t be pretty enough, and those around me will demand more, and that I might not be able to comply.
I fear that my sister has silently stopped speaking to me because I’ve become a raging bitch whenever she’s around, because I can’t stop judging her life. And she’s right, I can’t. (How unfair of me).
I fear not having enough warmth in my heart.
I fear not being able to change.
If you want the truth of it.
I am frustrated with myself today, because I wasn’t smart enough to stay in school. Let me rephrase – I wasn’t WISE enough to stay in school. The reason? I’m one of those people who is too creatively free (see: lazy, rebellious) to withstand a structured environment. Really, I just thought I knew better. I made it to about halfway through ninth grade before I got straight F’s on my report card – a drop from straight A’s. *sobs* I dropped out, had a baby and proceeded to work on my inner self and all that. Granted, I have grown emotionally and spiritually, and yes I am grateful for it, but at 28 I am now facing the rest of my life as an uneducated adult. Yeah, I took some community college courses, but I lack the common education to apply them.
I understand that matter and anti-matter cannot exist at the same time, but I have no idea why. I know that the apple fell from the tree because of gravity, but what is gravity? The fact that I don’t know what a molecule is, or a sub atom, certainly doesn’t help my interest in quantum physics. I’m sure not knowing where Bali is will hinder my success at traveling, which is part of why I’m so determined to do it hands-on. I don’t even know what the theory of relativity is. What is the periodic table and who uses it? What is a vaccuum? A black hole? I’m not looking for actual explanations right now, it’s the principal that counts.
The funniest part is, I try looking this stuff up online, and it just goes in one eyeball and out the other. Of all things, I now find myself needing the one thing that drove me away to begin with: Structure.
So, it’s time to change my path, I guess. School is expensive. Financial Aid only applies when working toward a degree, which requires full time school. I’m trying to cut DOWN on my bills, not gain more. But, it will be worth it, simply to understand half of the things around me.
Relatively speaking 
To be continued.
I wanted another baby for about 5 minutes yesterday. The reality of it is, I’m too selfish to have another child, though I feel a tugging loss when I consider the notion that I may really never have another baby. I guess I figured I always would. But that was when I was young(er) and dumb(er) than today.
You have to imagine, when you get pregnant at 17, that the future possibilities are limitless.
That was ten years ago and now I have an only child.
Now all my friends are are the “right” age to have babies, so they all are, and I’m feeling a little left out. I have all the right reasons why NOT to have a baby, first and foremost being that I plan to travel in 8 short years when my daughter is 18. That has been my goal since day one, and if I lost that I would feel that enough of me has died that I might as well be the walking dead, and that is my worst fear.
Still. Going to parties where there are literally 20 children, and the cute little moms with their shiny diamond rings and their “boppies” and burp rags and carseats and big wash basins for when the kids come running in from playing in the mud. . .The cameras permanently attached to their hands, while one or two babies are attached to their hips?
Pirate band-aids. Daddies actually being the sole parent playing in the yard. Three year olds showing off their smarts by using big people words like, “fucking damnit”, not having a clue what it means. Onesies. Rosebud lips.
Perhaps I’m feeling the weight of doing it the “wrong way”, with no husband, no house, no Dodge Durango and certainly no diamond. I don’t have that table in the foyer covered with pictures of my family. My family is one and any extension of that feels disjointed, like it’s contrived or created just so I can feel like I belong.
This is just how I feel on some days. Most days I’m glad to be rid of it all. No more stinky ass diapers. No more lack of sleep. Not to mention the fact that my daughter is bright and well-behaved, and I am convinced any other children I have would be the spawn of satan.
No, things are better left the way they are. When I am watching the sun set from the rooftops in Bali, or writing in a cafe overlooking the Thames, perhaps with my grown daughter at my side, it will all be worth it.
