Growing.

I am realizing after 28 years and countless lovers, that I’ve never been in love.  Not once.  And though I recognize that the possibility exists that I was in love, and just am not any more, I am certain that is not the case.  There have been two candidates for real love, my two longest relationships, and I left both of them at the first sign of discontent.  That is not love.

Part of me feels saddened by this.  The other part embraces the realization and looks forward to working on it.

Of course it’s the budding feeling of love/something deeper that brings this to my attention, makes me question it.  I have to say the poor boy has a challenge ahead of him, the first one to break me perhaps?  Break down my walls, I mean.  Cross over that threshold into real vulnerability – mine, not his.  He is apparently without worry, without insecurity, without fear.  He is a fearless man in most respects.  I don’t know what to make of that.  Am I a needy person underneath?  I think I am confident, I think I am secure.  But when I imagine losing him, even at this early stage, my heart leaps up into my throat and I get kind of panicky.  Is that healthy?  Is it a normal feeling for emotionally healthy people?

I know I am not emotionally healthy when it comes to men.  I couldn’t be, to be 28 years old and having never been in love.  So how can I give of myself to this person?  Do I just trust, and hope for the best? I can tell this one is different, because I’m terrified.

For once I will take my own advice, and let go of my fear and allow myself to be vulnerable.  Because I know that without that, he is not getting all of me, and we will remain stagnant.

I’m not there yet, don’t worry.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned, probably only recently, it’s to recognize lust for what it is.  Or infatuation.  And let me just say, I’m in infatuation overload

And the pen shook.

I must have looked like a mad woman today, sitting in front of the mailbox, on the grass-covered curb, having torn to shreds the package that contained something from my woman, my girl, my beauty queen and tormenting princess.  I had my nose buried in the book, not scanning the words but trying to grasp her presence, just one tiny glimmer of scent that differed from the air surrounding it, something to remind me of the nape of her neck, or the whisper of her lips.  I stirred the pages, let them cascade through my fingers, fanning them out and back again, trying to rile up the air and conjure an inkling of her image.

Nothing, nothing but the tattered and torn book, which I pressed to my heart as I knew it had been read by her.  “Woman, woman. . ” I repeated, frustrated and overwhelmed and aching and affected.

The return address label did not go unnoticed.  How am I to hide these things?  How am I to refrain from capturing the moon and sending it immediately to her bedside?  Woman.  If we are not secrets, are we to be regrets?  Indeed, this is not the first page of the book.

I would offer you my pulse, if it could be given in trade for the hope you have rendered me so useless with today.

You inspire me like none other.

In case anyone’s interested. . .

My kiddo’s play is this weekend, ya know, the one she has the LEAD in? 

So if I know you in the really real world, and you want to come support the baby, and all 85 of her lines, do it here:

http://www.ticketwindowonline.com/show.php?shownumber=1502

Anne of Green Gables

Revel in the adventures of beloved characters from the classic story by Lucy Maud Montgomery. This BYT production will include gorgeous period costumes and music from the turn of the twentieth century.

• Recommended for ages 6 and up.
• Cost: $10 per reserved seat.
• For show information or tickets, email or call the Bellevue Youth Theatre at 425-452-7155. You may also purchase tickets through Ticket Window at 206-325-6500, or by clicking the link above.

When:

• Friday – April 20 at 7 p.m. (this is when I’ll be going)
• Saturday – April 21 at 7 p.m.
• Sunday – April 22 at 2 p.m.

Where:
The Theatre at Meydenbauer
11100 NE 6th St
Bellevue, WA 98004

Hope to see you there!

xoxo

Slut.

Slut is a pejorative term for a person (usually female) who is more sexually promiscuous than is socially acceptable.

Hm.  Socially acceptable.  What’s social?  Which society are we talking about?  The mainstream?  The underground?  The sex positive society?  The PTA?  Are we letting Martha Stewart decide?  How about. . Oprah?  Why don’t we let Dossie Easton decide?  Ooh ooh, Dr. Phil.

Would Dr. Phil say I’m a slut?

Tonight, I am defensive.  I have to promise myself I won’t delete this later when I reread it and decide it sounds too defensive, or harsh.

What makes a slut?  Number of partners?  20?  100?  300?  What if you slept with 100 people when you were 18, and have been celibate for 5 years?  Are you a recovering slut?  An inactive slut?  Oh, I don’t know. . a reformed slut?  Or what if you used to sleep around a lot, but now you’re counting back and you realize you’ve only had sex with one person in the last year. . does that mean you’re only a slut comparatively?  Well, compared to what?

If you have two boyfriends that you’re exclusive with, are you a slut?  What if you are married and say you’re committed, but have been cheating with the same person for several years?  Slut?  Maybe it’s only if you have no regard for other people’s boundaries, like sleeping with married men.  Along that vein, if you sleep with 50 single guys, does that make you less of a slut than if you sleep with one married man?  And how far on the opposite end of the spectrum does it go before someone becomes a prude?  Only giving it to your partner once a month?  Does that person have the right to call the person who has regular sex a slut? Is everyone who is in an open relationship a slut?  Well, what about married couples who have threesomes, or partner swapping?  Is anyone who is not married or in a committed, monogamous relationship with one person a slut?

Why must it all fit into this mold?  Who determines what is normal?  Why am I still asking these same damn questions year after year?

Because the people who are supposed to be able to open their hearts to me, to be able to talk to me and tell me if they have questions or are unsure about what’s going on in my world – those people are still judging me and assuming things and letting me just drift away because I don’t realize they have a problem until it’s too late, because they didn’t voice it, so I never knew.  And maybe it’s not even a problem, maybe it’s just a question, but they’ve become so indifferent that they don’t even bother asking (because I’m *defensive*), and the next thing you know we haven’t spoken about anything of substance in several years  – and that’s not really a friend, now is it?

And because total strangers are judging me, which is their loss as far as I’m concerned, but sometimes people I really care about are affected in turn, and then the strangers become potential and instantly revoked friends.  I guess I’m grateful to have seen their true colors, but it seems sad that people will miss out on such great potential friendships because they can’t open their minds even one iota. We could’ve been friends.  We could’ve gotten our nails done together – like totally.  You may not understand it, that’s fine.  But don’t hold something you don’t understand against me, at least without hashing it out first.  Sit down and talk about it, get all your questions on the table and hear all my answers, and if you still decide that I’m not worth knowing, I will have ten times more respect for you than I will if I hear second- or third-hand about your snide remarks and suspicious accusations.

In other words:  Speak your mind, even if your voice shakes.

Who has time for introspection. . .?

I may have found something that feels better than sex. Scratching your head with the lead end of a pencil or one of your kids’ paint brushes, while you’re waiting for your dyed hair to set. Oh.my.god.

Anyway, I’m really here to brag. I bought a Moped! I’ve always wanted one, my whole fricken life. So now I can ride it to school and to the store or the library. I’m so happy. I named it Pele. It’s red, and virtually new, and is cause for one helluva sexy man to get all greasy and sweaty in my driveway, so it can’t be all bad.

Did I tell you I cured my hypochondria? I dragged my ass down to the Public Health Department and made them run every test known to man on me. I’m overly healthy! There’s nothing wrong with me at all, which everyone knew, including me, I just needed concrete proof before I could let go of my insane presumptions. I’m so cured. And thrilled.

Umm. . .there’s a new boy. . .as usual. . .except this one is different. . .I don’t say that too much do I? I don’t think I ever say that. They’re all kind of on their way out, aren’t they? Well, I won’t jinx this one then by talking about him too much, except to say that he makes me daydream a lot about puppy dogs and rainbows and stuff. . .oh, and when I bought soap because I didn’t want him to have to use girly loofahs and whatnot. . . I didn’t buy the little hotel size. I bought an actual BAR.

That’s pretty sad, when I’m measuring a man’s staying power by the size of the bar of soap I buy.

Hey, I’m still surprised I bought soap. Baby steps, people, baby steps.

Talk to you in another month, when I come up for air.

Tonight!

Freakin out, my new show opens tonight.

Look at the flier! I love it!

Sinner Saint Productions & Seattle Foundry present

Wednesdays: Follies di Notte

Every Wednesday starting April 4th
10:00pm
A contemporary take on the classic vaudeville, cabaret and follies shows that have wowed audiences for decades. A sexy theatrical revue featuring song, dance and satire. A cozy place for cocktails and clandestine rendezvous, the sultry atmosphere of CHAC Showroom coupled with the unparalleled talent of Sinner Saint Productions is certain to make Follies di Notte your favorite Wednesday night haunt.

Hosted by Dane Ballard
Directed by Ophelia Derriere

CHAC Showroom
1621 – 12th Ave. Seattle
Tickets: $12 – 21+ ID Required

I need positive reinforcement tonight. Chocolate and oral sex should do the trick. Any givers??