About Me
January 25, 2009 at 11:26 pm | In About Me | 2 CommentsTags: About Me
I’m not an educator or an activist, an expert or a role-model – I’m a 30-something semi-feminist, anti-complacent, boat-rocking poly mom, with a penchant for writing and too much time on my hands.
I’m in an actively open relationship with my live-in partner of 3 years. We see other people, both casually and as long-term relationships. This can be confusing and awkward for people who “just don’t get it,” and my goal is to help people navigate their understanding of polyamory and openness from the inside out.
I am respectful of people whose opinions differ from my own, because variety is the flavor of life, and what works for me probably won’t work for you. All I ask is that you remember to check your premises, and engage me (and yourself) before judging.
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking other to live as one wishes to live. ~Oscar Wilde
A love story.
January 25, 2009 at 4:57 pm | In Inspirations | Leave a CommentTags: Love, Poetry
Their first moment was one of heartbreaking despair, just as Mary’s first glance upon the face of Christ, knowing instantly that their love would end in tragedy. On sight, they knew each other’s names, but said not a word. They stood mere inches from each other, neither daring to breathe a sound.
“No,” she said, even as her lips parted to receive his kiss. For a moment the earth stood still, and the gods turned their heads to witness. They spent days in unparalleled bliss, every caress and delicate whisper painful, as their life force spilled beneath their fingertips. It couldn’t be so lovely as to go back and forth between them; no, their love became a separate entity, a fire that needed fuel, threatening to devour them both if its needs were left unmet.
Weeks passed, their bodies ravaged by the demands of their love. They came to a place of quiet acceptance, realizing there was no greater honor than to die in each other’s arms. At first she would laugh at his grey hairs, and he would trace the wrinkles spreading like roots along her otherwise youthful face. But there came a time when their love grew even stronger, promising death with every embrace.
The lovers were steadfast, never bending to the whims of their love, only feeding it despite their trembling bodies racked with age. And so it came to pass, one year after their first kiss, that their bodies finally gave in, trembling to their knees in the face of death. Without fear they kissed away tears, their hands clasped tightly as they took their final breaths. As her lips parted to receive his final kiss, a single word escaped, and traveled on the wind to the gods and to fate, and their love that demanded so much overheard, and knew that it had won.
“Yes,” she said.
Update – I guess
January 20, 2009 at 5:04 pm | In Other Stuff | Leave a CommentTags: Work
Today I am drained, like the night after a long acid trip. It’s six o’clock and I’ve found enough energy to masturbate and sweep my kitchen. I have endless studying to do and can’t even get out of my bathrobe. I am grateful my daughter is spending the night at Grandma’s, or I might feel guilty. Perhaps I’m getting sick.
I still haven’t heard from the job. While I’m very disappointed, and have to reel in all my dreams of endless spending, I promised myself I wouldn’t get too down about it, as I can now finish my degree. Granted, German is KILLING ME, and I’ll be lucky to pass the class, but I will survive Botany which is the “cincher” for my degree. So in a month and a half I’ll have my Associates. From there, it’s looking like Seattle U, as the UW put some crazy restrictions on its enrollment due to the nationwide “budget cuts,” which I think is another word for “the economy is going to hell in a handbasket.”
There is still a chance the job will call. From what I understand they take forever sometimes, and they did call me for my references, so all I can think is maybe the other candidate’s references were SO good they didn’t bother to call mine, which doesn’t seem likely. They also told me they’d let me know either way, so it’s still not a “No.” So, I wait.
We’re also playing the waiting game with court. It’s now been a solid three weeks of getting jerked around, told “Trial starts Monday,” or whatever day they arbitrarily choose, only to be told, “Not this week.” It’s a bitter sweet thing, as each extension gives us more time together, but it’s also more time to worry and freak out and chew Xanax. At this point, we just want it over with either way.
They are not offering a plea bargain, which means they think they have a strong case. The good news is, it looks like they’re only charging him with one Assault, not two, and they’re not adding the deadly weapon. That is a huge relief, as it knocks like 2+ years off his possible sentence. He’s still looking at up to nine months. We have a decent self-defense case, but a couple other things not in our favor, so it’s still up in the air what the judge will decide. It’s just scary because it’s not just “going to court” anymore. Eventually that will end, and it may be “going to jail” instead, which neither of us are prepared for.
So that’s the update. Aside from that. . .we’re good? Too many unknowns, not enough control over our future. At least we have each other, and that’s not going to change.
Changes
January 14, 2009 at 5:05 pm | In Other Stuff | Leave a CommentTags: School, Work
Life moves too fast. By nature, I am a “gitter done” kinda person, always finding myself in the middle of a new project, or a life-changing event. From moving out at 16, to quitting a career to start my own business, to getting my degree, everything happens suddenly and immediately. It seems I simply consider making a change, and somehow the inertia propels me forward, as though I really had no choice in the matter.
This is no different. I know you’ve seen all the updates about this interview I had, and I’ve been trying to keep it under wraps because I didn’t want to curse it or get my hopes up. Plus, I never came to terms with the reality of leaving school and re-entering the corporate world. Nothing is solidified, nothing is for sure, but I nailed the interview today and feel very strongly that I’ll get the job.
So the job I applied for is for Exec. Admin to the Director of the King County Courthouse. It’s a big deal. Big title, big responsibility, and best of all, big pay. If I get this job I will go from making literally nothing to being what I would consider rich. What a lot of people would hope to make someday. Somewhere along the line I developed an extensive resume – something I never planned on using. Turns out I’m marketable, and sometimes things just happen the way they do when you least expect it.
As far as school goes, the timing is horrible. I am ONE CLASS away from graduating. . .a class I’m currently taking, and would have to drop out of. I would be extremely disappointed, but my rationalization is that even if I pursued my Bachelor’s Degree, I would enter my career (if I was lucky enough to get one) making below what this job will pay me. Plus, it’s one class. I can easily take it at night next quarter, and still get my Associates.
Basically, I would be a fool to turn this job down if they offer it to me. It’s not just a job, it’s a career. It’s the kind of job you retire from (with a nice 401k to boot). It’s a half hour walk from my house. It’s at the Court House, which puts me into the legal field, which has many opportunities for growth and career advancement. Really, it’s an insta-career, a life-in-the-box.
The real question is, am I ready for it? Am I ready to join the corporate battalion? How easily will I adapt to 7 am lattes and pink polo wearing golfers hitting on me in the elevator? There is an air of productivity wafting around everyone’s heads, and cliche one-liners ready at their tongues. Am I prepared to hide myself among them, my eyebrows perpetually raised in sarcasm? Company meetings, conference calls, gift baskets, fluorescent death – is it worth it?
I’m beginning to think so. Perhaps I’m finally growing up. Perhaps it’s time I did. I’ve been so spoiled for so long, maybe it’s time to suck it up and plan for a future before I find myself at 50 with no nest egg, no way to send my daughter to college, no retirement. Hell, I can’t even afford a beat up old car right now if mine went tits up, which it’s forever threatening to do. Everyone around me has either worked their asses off or done nothing at all. We are all getting older. I think my time has come. Who knows, maybe I can add some spice, shake things up a bit. And if I don’t get the job, I at least have the satisfaction of knowing my resume (and therefore my experience) was at least worthy of an interview.
Now I guess I just cross my fingers. I should know by the beginning of next week. Send me postive blog-rays or whatever you do. If I get the job I’ll be having an “Erin’s rich” party, though you will all have to pay. That’s not irony, but an unfortunate coincidence.
***
Perceptions
January 6, 2009 at 5:06 pm | In Non-Monogamy | Leave a CommentTags: Kink, Outside Perspective
You know how you get these cravings for little things, like coke slurpees and ice cream? I’m that way with writing. The problem is, sometimes I can go months without the craving, and that tortures me more than the craving itself. That’s not what I wanted to talk about though.
It recently occurred to me that some people think I’m way dirtier than I should be given credit for. I realize my open relationship lends itself to the notion that all my nights are filled with wild threesomes and debaucherous excursions in scat play, but (some of) that just isn’t true. I’ll leave it to you to decide what’s real.
This goes back to the whole “categorizing” thing. Open relationships just don’t fit the mold, and it’s SO HARD for people to accept that it can work. I’m not bitter about this, it’s just fascinating to me that people can be so hypocritical. Example. We have these. . .friends, I guess you could call them, that find it perfectly acceptable to have sex with another couple, but only if it’s in the same room and both partners are participating. This would be referred to as wife swapping. Now don’t get me wrong, if Luke and I found a couple where all four of us were attracted to each other, and we all ended up in the same room. . . I’m not gonna knock it. I just personally feel that these situations could end up with someone feeling pressured to do something so their partner could get the one they want. This wouldn’t be an issue, except this particular couple likes to judge our relationship, saying it’s “just wrong.”
Why? Because we’ve come to a place of acceptance in our relationship where we’re secure enough to let things happen in their truest sense? I’m trying very hard not to get soap-boxy about this, because I know it’s hard for people to understand. At one point my sister and I were talking about what would happen if Luke and I ever got married. “Well, you’d be in a monogamous relationship then, right?” I don’t blame her for assuming this. It just seems that people don’t take our relationship seriously if it’s open. As a credit to my sister, this WAS when Luke and I first started seeing each other, and I’m sure she’d have a different response now, but she is by far not the only one who has said things like this.
Back to the scat play. There is a story behind this of course, but it basically boils down to some people assuming that just because I’m open, I must crawl around my bedroom all day with a saddle and a 12″ butt plug, just waiting for the gang bang to start. Granted, I love that I’m giving more credit than I deserve, but the truth is, I’m just a normal girl who happens to be free to date people while I’m in a relationship.
I know it sounds like I’m whining. Poor baby, gets to have her cake and eat it too. And then complains about it. I know, I know. But I assure you, open relationships are hard work, harder than any monogamous relationship I’ve ever had, because it’s SO easy to just gloss things over, or not bring up hard conversations, or forget to put yourself in the other person’s shoes, etc., etc. These things can go unnoticed in monogamous relationships. For open relationships to work, you have to force yourself to communicate about everything, even when you don’t want to.
Added to this is the public image. People who don’t know what the deal is. They see me and Luke together, then they might see either of us with another person, and think, “That bitch. She’s cheating on that poor guy.” Think of our neighbors perspective. They must think we’re both cheating on each other all the time. I do think it’s funny that no one ever says anything. Though I did have a girl tell me very indignantly, “I just thought I would let you know that your boyfriend asked me out on a date.” Well, I knew that, but thanks for the honesty.
Anyway. A couple of recent comments got me thinking about this stuff, and I realized some people just have it all wrong. Not that I mind, really. I guess if you want to assume I am that much of a freak in bed, it’s no skin off my teeth :)
About Me
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