Queen Bee
August 31, 2009 at 9:19 pm | In Non-Monogamy | 13 CommentsTags: Outside Perspective, Polyamory
This is going to be a bitchy post, whether I try to stay in the mindset of patience, and accepting other’s newness to this situation or not. I have realized recently what a precarious position I hold as the primary partner in an actively open relationship, compared to the other women my partner gets involved with. In a sense, I am instantly ostracized, because of my title.
My relationships with women are already complicated, as it takes a very particular type of woman for me to get along with. I have a strong personality, and my friendships with women tend to go one of two ways: I either immediately dominate them, or I encounter a personality as strong as mine, and we butt heads. Add to this the fact that I have a hard time deciding if I really like a woman, or just want to have sex with her, and you can see why I have very few female friends.
Taking all this into account, introduce women that are trying to have sex with my boyfriend. Whether I am ok with it or not, I am treated so. . .delicately. . . and I’m a little irritated by it. Granted, I got no sleep last night, I’m a little bitchy anyway, but a couple situations happened this weekend that kinda put me over the edge, and it made all the incidences in the past come crashing down in one. . .big. . SNUB.
Please. If you want to date someone in an open relationship,try to avoid the following interactions with their partner.
1) Don’t try to fuck me just to get to my man - I can’t tell you how many girls have met me for the first time and tried to flirt with me, thinking I might be more ok with it if I’m involved.
2) Don’t try to be my best friend - Just because my man thinks you’re hot, it doesn’t mean I want to share all my secrets with you, or hug you the first time I meet you. This is not a love fest.
3) Don’t pretend to like me just because you think you have to. I will see right through it, and sometimes it’s hurtful to hear “Oh, we should totally go out next weekend,” and have it just be lip service.
4) We don’t have to have anything in common. My partner is not pursuing you because you remind him of ME, or vice versa. I don’t need you to agree with what I say, or become an actress so we will have something to talk about. I know I can be overwhelming sometimes, but please, just be YOURSELF, and if we hit it off, great.
5) Our lifestyle is different, this is true. And I understand a lot of people are taught to lie to their partners. I know we’re hard to grasp. But please, please don’t ask my partner to lie to me. Not only will it blow up in your face, it will make me less likely to accept you in the future.
It’s not often that I bitch about these things, and I feel a little. . . judgmental. . .doing it now. I know open relationships are contrary to what a lot of people know. It’s very hard to unlearn something you’ve taken your whole life to learn. I also see that I *am* hard to approach sometimes, but I look at the women who have broken through and impressed me by just being real, and I feel validated.
Bottom line – Sometimes it’s hard for me too, and I feel like I’ve taken a beating lately, so damnit I’m gonna bitch about it.
Rite of Passage
August 14, 2009 at 11:56 pm | In Other Stuff | 2 CommentsTags: Parenting
My daughter turned 13 last week.
This is heavy.
I can’t help but wonder if I’ve done right by her so far, if the memories we’ve created will be enough for her to say she had a happy childhood. Somewhere between too much TV, too much junk food and a semi-feminist, anti-complacent, crazy writer/burlesque producing, controlling poly mom, she seems to have survived ok so far.
I wonder if she’ll ever give me some entirely too adult quip about how I never did anything for her.
Of course she will.
I watch her, emerging into a woman; I see the adult face trying to get out, still snuggled safely behind the softness of baby fat, but her eyes are fierce and brilliant. I loathe the day she cries big fat tears over some love who broke her heart, probably over some horrible thing like her bra strap accidentally showing. Teenagers are brutal.
She makes good choices in friends. I can’t say the same for the friends parents, who are “like fifty and wear mock turtlenecks,” but they’ve at least produced a smart bunch of kids, who are aware that through their own insecurity they should be more accepting of each other’s flaws.
I think of the things I was doing when I was 13, and I shudder. When I had this child, freshly into my 18th year, I expected to fulfill the curse my own mother placed upon me, that some day I would have a child just like me. I think my mother is still waiting to smile in self-righteous glee. Alas, the day has yet to come, as my precocious woman-child is developing into a mature, bright, emotionally balanced young woman.
Of course, 13 isn’t 16, and the hell that awaits me is probably hotter than Dante’s worst imagnings, but for now, I am grateful for the joy that is this little girl.
Polyfidelitous
August 14, 2009 at 6:36 pm | In Non-Monogamy | 21 CommentsTags: Polyamory, Relationships
There’s a word for it! I’ve been referring to my relationship as binogomous, because I didn’t know there was an actual term coined for it. For those of you that don’t know, I’m in an, ahem, polyfidelitous relationship with two men, which means I don’t sleep with or date people outside of those two relationships. Except, well. . .
This is really a precursor to a sensitive conversation I’d like to have with you all. I need your opinion. This is a long standing battle between Luke and I, and I’m looking for a convincing argument one way or the other to settle this.
The question, in a nutshell, is this: Can you be considered monogamous if you still have same-sex encounters outside the relationship? I’m not looking for root words and latin definitions - I want to know what you feel about this, in a real sense, not an academic one.
In other words, when I am in a monogamous relationship with a man, does it break the monogamy if I sleep with women? Or is that kind of a given? I consider it a given. If Luke and I both had aneurysms tomorrow and decided we were going to be monogamous, I wouldn’t even question that it meant I could still sleep with women, because it’s something Luke (or any other man) couldn’t possibly satisfy. It’s a horse of a different color. Hell, it’s a completely different animal.
I know this seems like a double standard to some of you, but I assure you if Luke was bisexual, and we were monogamous, it would make sense to me that he would fulfill that side of himself with boys on the side. Fortunately, in real life, no one is offended that I have sex with girls. Of course, I would never, ever be with a man that couldn’t handle the fact that I love and sleep with women. While I didn’t choose my bisexuality, I sure as hell can choose the type’s of relationships I have. Luke just likes to fight the point on principal. :)
His argument is that an emotional need is being met too, and the heart doesn’t care if you’re male or female. I assert that it is still different. If I were to give up women, why. . . it would be like asking Luke to give up women too. There would literally be a void in my soul that would slowly eat away at me until I became a shell of my former self (one point for drama). The part of me that has the need for heterosexual relationships is satisfied in abundance, but the other half (not just a sliver, it’s an entire HALF) of me would be neglected to the point of misery. In other words – It’s not my fault he’s straight.
I’m sure he would have more points to cite if he were reading this, so I can’t completely represent his argument, but the topic still begs to be discussed.
Anyone? Bueller?
Here’s to another awkward moment
August 10, 2009 at 4:49 pm | In Non-Monogamy | 2 CommentsTags: Outside Perspective, Polyamory
This weekend was chock-full of awkward moments, from my manager finding out about my relationship (don’t worry, he was the most intelligent inquisitor), to the drunk girl at the bar unknowingly introducing Luke to his girlfriend as “the guy who has two girlfriends.” Oh, and on my camping trip being told, “No offense, but you’re fucked up.” Yeah, thanks. . .none taken.
Really, these moments don’t offend me, because I understand that the mere existence of our relationship is offensive to so many. I try to be patient with people as they try to understand me, as long as they try, it’s just. . . tiring. .. answering the same questions over and over. I imagine it’s similar to someone adopting a child of a different race. Some will judge, most won’t, but I imagine people ask all the same questions. Again, this is ok, as people navigate a different concept, but sometimes I feel like making a t-shirt that says, “yes he can fuck other people, yes I still get jealous, yes we actually like each other, no you can’t have my number.”
I guess I’m a little burned out about it today. I understand our relationship is different. It’s just. . . imagine if every time you mentioned your boyfriend/girlfriend, people had a list of questions for you, just to make sure you actually love your partner, and that you’re really happy. A girl asked Luke last week, bewildered, “you actually like the girl you live with?”
I’m trying to maintain perspective.
Last night someone found themselves right in the middle of the reality of our relationship, as Luke kissed his girlfriend goodbye, and I hugged her goodbye afterwards. There was another girl standing there who looked at us and said, “Awkwaaaard!” I realized that while she’s the only one in that particular situation that was uncomfortable about it. . . it’s a recurring theme in our lives. Suddenly flashbacks of our friends, people who have known us the entirety of our relationship, came flooding in, from those who can’t even handle us talking about our relationship, to the ones who reference our relationship in every joke or smart remark they can.
I imagine we’re losing our identities a bit to our relationship status. “That’s the girl with two boyfriends. That guy sleeps with like, mass girls, omg, and his girlfriend doesn’t care.” For the record, if I didn’t care, I’d be a pretty shitty partner.
Oh well, these are things I have to expect, and accept, if I’m to live a non-traditional lifestyle. I guess I just figured after almost 3 years, it would lose its shock value.
Hey, at least I’m supporting my motto – “Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.”
Throwing off the harness
August 3, 2009 at 6:42 pm | In Other Stuff | Leave a CommentTags: Relationships
I am a very forgiving person, some would say to a fault. When someone wrongs me, I am very good at seeing “the big picture,” and trying to count the person’s good attributes as well as their wrongdoings, and weighing the odds. If the person is good-hearted as a whole, and has good intentions most of the time, they’re free to go, with very little backlash.
This seems to be especially true when it comes to my boyfriends. Normally, in my relationships, there are three things that constitute the instant, immediate end of the relationship: Lying, cheating or hitting. Any one of these things come with an instant pink slip. For most of my relationships, I’ve been pretty inflexible on this.
The hitting thing hasn’t changed. I’ve never been hit by a man (or a woman), and I still make it very clear that resorting to physical violence will land you in jail, and I will press charges, no matter how much I want to whine, “But I love him!”
The cheating rule? It’s funny. . . how do you cheat on someone you’re in an open relationship with? I’ll tell you. Lying to your partner about seeing someone, or just plain not telling them. An example would be, “Honey, I’m not comfortable with this person being in our lives.” “Ok dear, now excuse me while I go to the ‘library’ for 5 hours.” Riiiight. There are other variations of this that differ from couple to couple, but that’s how I assess cheating.
Then there’s lying. This is where I have changed my outlook on what I’m willing to be flexible on. I’ll never forget, when Luke and I first got together, and he had his first experience with a woman outside of our relationship. He called me the next morning (this was obviously before we lived together), and had the sound of pure guilt in his voice. He finally admitted what he’d done, and when I was totally ok with it, he just couldn’t believe it.
Wait a sec. . . we made the agreement to be open from the first day of our relationship. Why on earth was he worried? Because he was still trapped in the harness of monogamy.
It’s funny. People outside the relationship have a hard enough time wrapping their brains around it, but it’s especially funny when the people IN the relationship can’t quite accept it. He thought I’d be mad, or even break up with him for hooking up with someone else, because that’s what he’s been taught to believe will happen, no matter what I said to the contrary.
While he’s long since gotten over this, I find myself encountering it with my other relationships. I can ask them point blank, “Did you mess around with that girl? Be honest with me,” and even knowing it’s ACCEPTABLE, they will still lie straight to my face. My first instinct (if I know they really did hook up with the girl, of course) is to throw in the towel and scream and yell about trust and honesty. It’s really hard for me not to do this. But I don’t. Because somewhere in the back of my mind I can still look at this person and say to myself, “He’s still stuck.”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fool, and lying once or twice is one thing – making a habit of it is not. I generally follow the three-strikes-you’re-out rule for long term relationships. Most people will be lucky to get one strike with me. But I’m willing to look at the big picture still, and count their good attributes, and maybe forgive them a little as they try to unlearn 30-something years of being taught to lie to their partners.
It’s a sad thing, sometimes, what the expectations of monogamy can do to a relationship.
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