Let's Eat Cake!

Let’s talk about something simple.  Often times I pack this blog full of concepts that are probably very foreign to an outsider, or someone not in an open relationship.  I’ve scoured the internet for “poly blogs,” looking for people who are going through the same things as me, because monogamous relationships, while similar, just have different issues.  In fact, I’m thinking of going to this  some Sunday.  It’s a poly potluck.  It sounds gay (not in the hot way), and I’m a little sketched out, because these things tend to be full of obese, over-opinionated S&M “Masters,” and little girls with Daddy issues wearing collars (this is not a judgment of BDSM relationships as a whole), but I’m hoping to get that small kernel of wisdom from the discussion group afterwards.  Food for thought. 

So onto the “simple” topic, which of course is not simple at all:  Jealousy. 

For me, this is probably the single most difficult issue to deal with in open relationships.  A lot of people on the outside are under the false impression that poly folks are devoid of jealousy.  For me, this couldn’t be farther from the truth.  My thought is that people who are open are already thinking outside the box, and looking at life from different perspectives, so it’s easier for us to look at jealousy from a different perspective as well, and work our way through it.  That doesn’t mean we are at a higher level, have no egos, or are free from the green monster.  I think there’s healthy, natural jealousy, and then there’s the kind that is so damaging to a relationship that they should probably reconsider being open in the first place.

Sometimes, we have ideals that we want to reach.  Some people think, “Being open sounds so intriguing.  Something I really think I could do.  Something I want to have for myself,” so they try, and struggle so hard with jealousy, but are so insistent on maintaining that ideal that they sabotage their relationship.  Yes, at times I am talking about myself in that respect.  I’m more guilty of trying to make myself ok with certain things, than actually being ok with it.  I’m learning to express those things more, and working toward a real balance.

I believe jealousy is inherent in all of us, as an instinct for self-preservation.  Evolutionary psychologists, applying Darwin’s theories to human behavior, suggest that jealousy might have given us a fitness advantage in our ancestral environment.  In other words, it may be hard-wired in our brains.  I’m not saying we can’t counteract that wiring, and while some people are naturally able to do that, others are in a continual battle with themselves, fighting this admittedly illusionary sense of “ownership.”

What are some ways you fight jealousy?  I have learned some tricks, whether or not they work all the time, but I am interested in hearing yours.

My strategies include looking at my partners actions.  If he goes on a date, and comes home as loving as when he left, I try to quiet my (vivid) imagination and look at what’s really going on.  Sometimes the things we think are so over the top, and we don’t even realize it.  I was talking to my partner’s girlfriend the other night, and I confessed that when I imagine them meeting, it’s in slow motion, and he runs to her awaiting arms, caressing her face, “My love!  My darling, I’ve missed you so!”  She laughed and gave me the look that said, “You’re crazy.” 

Sometimes my partner comes home a little amped up after a date, filled with that new relationship energy, and that can usually make my jealousy flare up.  But I try to remember that he RESPECTED the rules of our relationship.  He didn’t come in late.  He didn’t ignore me.  He treated me just like he does every other day, so again, I can quiet my mind. 

Sometimes I hear people (women, in particular) say, “The other girls get all the fun, and I get all the shit.  They don’t have to pick up his socks, or deal with the real parts of the relationship.”  Granted, this is usually when they’re mad at something he’s done, but in a normal situation I say, “Yes!  You do get the real person.  What you see as the fun parts, I see as the surface parts.”  I may be picking up my partner’s socks, but that means he’s chosen me to live with and share a life with.  (I should note that not all outside relationships are surface – it’s entirely possible to have meaningful, loving relationships outside of a primary relationship).  I just find it reassuring to remember that new relationships can be fun and exciting, but you are the one they trust enough to have an open relationship with to begin with.

The biggest way I fight off jealousy is to look at the big picture.  My partner and I have been dating other people for three years, the entirety of our relationship.  We’ve had a thousand ups and downs, a ton of women that have scared the shit out of me, and vice versa for him, and the truth is, none of these situations have ever truly threatened us.  Hindsight is 20/20.  Sometimes when my jealousy starts acting up, I try to step back and remember that.

How do you deal?  Or not deal?  What is the inner mantra playing in a loop in your head?