Is Monogamy Realistic?
October 28, 2009 at 6:14 pm | In Non-Monogamy | 9 CommentsTags: Polyamory
An article from CNN released today discusses whether monogamy is realistic in our current society, “in the age of hookups, friends with benefits and online dating, and as human life expectancy grows.”
Original Article: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/10/28/monogamy.realistic.today/index.html
It then goes on to discuss the benefits of Polyamory, stating, “the expectation that one person should be our everything seemed unrealistic given our day and age. … It’s oddly pressuring to set up that scenario.”
Is mongamy realistic? I’d like to think it is, but it seems the circumstances are so strenuous I don’t know if it’s fulfilling. So many people refer to their grandparents, who were together for 50 years or more, and my thought is that people in those generations HAD to stay together. When you are living in a depression and you have 5 or 6 kids, especially if you’re under the guilt of religion, as so many of our ancestors were, divorce simply wasn’t an option. So they may have been together, but were they happy? A successful marriage is not just a lasting one.
I look at the people I know now, the very few couples who have made monogamy work for any real amount of time (past the 7 year itch, at least), and I can easily count them on one hand. It could be that we, as a generation, are too lax, too lazy, and divorce is too easily obtained. Marriage vows kind of lose their meaning when you know there’s a way out. But should marriage be something you are trapped into for life, something you are forced to work out? People change and grow, sometimes apart, and it seems oppressive to ask them to stay in a (sometimes) miserable situation to honor their vows.
I should note that the few couples I know in my age bracket who have been with their partners for 10+ years DO seem truly happy. I have always viewed those couples as fairy tale relationships, where they either found their “soul mate,” or are dedicated people in the other aspects of their lives, and it shows in their relationships as well. I do not think, however, that any of these people would stay married if they were miserable.
Thoughts? How many long-term, happy, monogamous couples do you know?
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I think long term, fulfilling, mutually beneficial, monogamous relationships are possible if that is something both partners desire and are willing to work towards. Matt and I have been together going on 6 years, with a foundation of 15 years of friendship. I can honestly say that we are very very happy in our relationship. We are really good partners, we talk about absolutely everything (no matter how difficult or potentially painful), we support each other, talk about each others interests, bounce ideas off of each other….we are truly best friends and lovers. BUT, this has taken us a lot of work, dedication, and respect. We were both married before to other people, so we are both aware of what our wants and needs are in a relationship, and what are deal breakers for each of us. As far as vows and commitment goes, we meant our vows when we said them and we still mean them now. But we also understand that if one or both of us become lazy in our relationship or dedicate more energy elsewhere (which I have a tendency to do with my hectic schedule) than we do with each other, those vows, that commitment, no matter how sincere, can break. And we both realize that over the years our relationship will evolve and change, and we are open to those changes as long as we maintain respect, love, and open communication. Ultimately we want to build a life together and grow old together, we both realize that not only takes hard work, but also flexibility (however that ends up manifesting itself).
Aside from us I know quite a few long term monogamous couples who are also very happy. But I see in them the same dedication to respect, communication, and flexibility that I see in Matt and I. So I think that monogamy is possible as long as people realize that it doesn’t necessarily have to fit into a neat little box with a specific set of rules and boundaries. My relationship belongs to Matt and I, and shouldn’t look exactly like the relationship between anyone else. And as long as it is loving, respectful, and fulfilling for both of us, I know we will thrive.
Comment by April — October 28, 2009 #
Fantastic response April. You are one of the couples I was talking about in my short list. To me, you are proof that long term, monogamous, SUCCESSFUL relationships are definitely possible.
I wonder. . .what would happen if one of you didn’t want to make it work anymore? For me, that’s where the words “forced” and “trapped” come to mind, when one or neither partner WANTS to make it work anymore, but the expectations of marriage might make them feel they HAD to try to make it work, even if years of trying wasn’t working.
Comment by blackdove — October 28, 2009 #
You mean what would happen AFTER I castrated him? Kidding kidding.
So if one or both of us were simply tired of making it work, then I suppose we would end. I do believe that marriage adds that extra element of being more “serious” than dating, but I think couples who never marry but have a child together, or never marry but own property together have that same element of seriousness. If that were to happen between Matt and I, I would try to figure out why? What went wrong? Where is the disconnect? And I know he would do the same. I know both of us would want to make sure that the relationship was beyond the point of being saved before giving up and moving on. I also know that neither of us ever want the other to feel trapped or forced, because both of us felt that way in our previous marriages. So I suppose an extension of the respect within our relationship would be to respect the decision to let it end.
Comment by April — October 28, 2009 #
I love your honesty (with yourselves and others) and the devotion to your marriage. I’m sure you’re tired of hearing it, but you’re an inspiration. :)
Comment by blackdove — October 28, 2009 #
Awww! That is such a wonderful thing to hear, so no I would never be tired of it! I really believe that our honesty comes from being in failed marriages. I think had Matt and I married each other 15 years ago and not learned everything we did from our failed marriages, we would probably be divorced by now.
Comment by April — October 28, 2009 #
I think that element of having already been there really helps when you start to get into the course of a monogamous relationship. If you know what you want and what to expect – realistically, you’re better equipped to handle any situation that comes towards you. The same can be said for non-monogamous couples.
There’s always so much hype built upon getting married… I don’t think people are always well equipped for it. There’s seems to be this set of unrealistic expectations built upon how our parents were, how our grandparents were, or how everyone ELSE is – such that the flexibility and the expectations in many monogamous relationships have become unrealistic in terms of the people in it.
Comment by birdie — October 28, 2009 #
I agree with these comments. I know several long term marriages in which the couple is very happy. It runs in my family – My parents, grandparents, etc. Sure there are problems, but with my parents at least, I know that they recognized a tough breaking point in their relationship and were TOTALLY honest about it. Let out all their expectations and fears to each other.
I was divorced at 27. I learned that what I thought was important really isn’t. I married for the wrong reasons, and learned ALOT from it. Since then, I have my eyes wide open and much has changed with what i believe is important to me. Although my own blog has been silent for a while ( a product of me being more comfortable and happy) I am still exploring non-monogamy for many reasons. EXCEPT that I don’t believe in monogamy.
Comment by redsirenn — November 10, 2009 #
clarify: ” Except for the fact that I don’t believe in monogamy OR poly as the best, easiest, whatever relationship style. monogamy simply is not one of my criteria at the moment, there are other things I find more important in my relationships with people.
Comment by redsirenn — November 10, 2009 #
@Redsirenn – What do you think would have happened if you had married for the wrong reasons. . . 25 years ago?
i think that’s part of my point. . .that these days it’s very easy to get a divorce. I’m not so sure our parents had the same options. . .hence my thought that monogamy isn’t realistic nowadays.
Kudos to you, by the way, for allowing your eyes to open :)
Comment by blackdove — November 11, 2009 #