For the beauty queens.
November 25, 2009 at 8:51 pm | In Other Stuff | 2 CommentsTags: Body image
“I’m going to return to the Lord the way He put me on this earth.”
This is something my Grandmother said to me when I was 12-years-old, after I had pierced my ears for the first time. She was a very religious woman, and was against making any changes to the body God had given her. The body is a temple, and all that. Forget the negative marks on her soul, she was justified by the good book, and mortal sins included putting holes in your ear lobes.
While her phrase meant nothing to me at the time, her words stayed with me and I often look at my life to see what other “holes” I’ve made, literally or figuratively.
Recently I purchased some new makeup. It’s a “delicate blend of minerals - so gentle you can sleep in it!” Three months ago that would have meant nothing to me, but suddenly, at the age of 31, I’m finally embracing my femininity. And by embracing, I mean wrapping my $90-jean-clad-legs around it and squeezing it for all it’s worth.
Standing in front of the mirror the other day, frantically “swirling, tapping and buffing” my new powder foundation, exactly like Gracie taught me, it occurred to me that I couldn’t buy this for someone and just set them loose. This is a personal process, and I would have to pass on the wisdom just as it was passed on to me, or risk them getting powder on their sweater.
As soon as I realized this was important to me, I stood looking in the mirror at the creation before me. From my painted toenails to the tips of my dyed hair, I am fake. If there were some fancy body scan that detected changes to the body’s natural state of being, I would set off at least ten alarms, and quite frankly, I’m a poor example of a girl. There are many women that require so much more before they allow themselves to leave the house. I let my hair air dry. I am afraid of tanning beds. It only takes me 20 minutes to get ready in the morning, including a shower.
What’s a one-word oxymoron? Naturalize.
I realized I am so fully entrenched in the ways I’ve altered myself, I no longer think of it as work. I shave my legs, I pluck my eyebrows, I have acrylic nails, I wear foundation, bronzer, mineral veil, blush, lipstick, eyeshadow primer, eyebrow definition, three layers of eyeshadow, eyeliner and mascara every day of my life. I have five different perfumes.
I’ve long since forgotten what my natural hair color is. I have seven tattoos and have had up to ten piercings. I want fake boobs and a tummy tuck. I spend hours of my life straightening or curling my hair, and piling so much product onto my face, hair and body I could start a wax factory. Push up bras, girdles, corsets, slimming jeans, control-top panty hoes, three-inch heels, curlers, straighteners, attachments, free kits.
All of this is what it takes to be “me.” And it IS me, because in one way or another my whole life has been altered by my appearance, good or bad. Would my boyfriends love me if I wasn’t pretty? Probably. Would they have given me the chance to get to know me if I wasn’t? If I could live in my delusions I would say yes.
What does all this mean? Could any of you go into the ground they way you arrived? My Grandmother did. I imagine it would be freeing to have no conditions to abide by, no beauty box to stuff yourself into. I also cherish the life my fake self has provided for me, and to that end, will work to keep her happy. . .but sometimes I wonder what I would look like if I’d never met her.
Adam Lambert’s “gayness” too much for TV.
November 23, 2009 at 11:04 pm | In Other Stuff | 3 CommentsTags: Hollywood, isms, Mainstream
Adam Lambert’s racy performance* at the 2009 American Music awards, where he “simulated fellatio with a male dancer and kissed male keyboardist Tommy Ratliff,” has been edited for West Coast viewers. Edited, as in removed. According to this article in MSNBC, Adam Lambert believes this is discrimination.
The Associated Press reports that ABC says more than 1,500 people called to complain about Lambert’s performance. While I agree that the act was shocking, why were the two homosexual acts the only two that were edited out?
I was a little disappointed in Lambert’s defense, where he said, ”Shock is fun, shock rock is like something that existed, for example, like in the ’70s, Alice Cooper … David Bowie, you had artists that liked to push the envelope and that’s what made them so fresh.” I get what he’s saying here, but it seemed like he missed the point of his own cause.
He got closer to the heart of the matter when he said, “There’s a big double standard, female pop artists have been doing things provocative like that for years, and the fact that I’m a male, and I’ll be edited and discriminated against could be a problem.”
In a sense he’s right, it is because he’s male. But the person he kissed was also male, and that’s where the difference lies. It is true that female artists aren’t discriminated against as much, (for example the kiss between Madonna and Britney at the 2003 VMA’s wasn’t edited out for West Coast viewers), but the bigger double standard is that they didn’t edit him simulating fellatio with a woman (at 1:13 in the video).
Lambert’s performance was incredibly risqué for national television, but why? Apparently the two men being led around by chains, or him vigorously rubbing a dancer’s vagina weren’t in poor taste, but two men kissing pushed them too far.
EDIT: The link to the video has been deleted out of my blog three times now, deemed inappropriate by Dick Clark. This is scary stuff, people. Here I am searching for a video that does not exist, knowing it existed mere hours ago. Leave it to America to rewrite history, or erase it. Yes, it was a stupid video of some pop artist we may never hear from again (Good Morning America already cancelled his slot on their show), but if they can censor this, they can censor anything, at their whim. Does this remind anyone of 1984?
It’s all going into a memory hole.
*It should be noted that the only remaining link I could find was in someone’s blog whose opinions vastly differ from my own.
If that’s all there is, then let’s keep dancing
November 20, 2009 at 1:02 am | In Non-Monogamy | 17 CommentsTags: Polyamory, Relationships
I’m sad today, and seeing one big, overwhelming downside to non-monogamy.
What happens when your non-primary relationship progresses farther and more spectacularly than you ever thought possible? You don’t really expect to meet someone and fall head over heels for them. I never even considered it, since I was already head over heels for Luke. To be lucky enough to fall for two men? Pshaw. Well, it happened, and there was no turning back, and it was a glorious thing. There are no limits to love, I say.
There are no limits to love. Unfortunately, with polyamory, there are still rules.
There are certain things a secondary relationship can’t have, and what if those things are really important?
When two people are together for long enough, the relationship takes on a life of its own. It’s a very precious thing, very personal, and after a while it seems unnatural and unfair to place rules on it. But it must be done, because the rules are there for a reason. In many ways my secondary relationship has to be looked at in context to my primary relationship, because without that recognition, the relationship wouldn’t have been allowed to progress or even develop. I am appreciative to Luke for every success with Myke.
That said, these things cease to matter after a while, as the relationship deserves its own recognition of being self-supporting. We fought long and hard to get where we are, Myke and I, and the issues we encountered and overcame were done independent of my relationship with Luke. Alas, the rules were made to protect the foundation, and they are good rules. But for the other person in my life, it’s akin to raising someone else’s child since birth, with the biological parents still having all the say.
So what are we to do with these feelings? Sometimes our hands are just tied, and we have to look at the big picture. Myke and I love each other, we bring each other joy. Things may not always go exactly as planned, or be as accessible or spontaneous as we’d like, but we should feel lucky to have met each other and try to grow in other ways.
Right?
I feel very unskilled in this area, as I’ve never encountered this before. I don’t even know who to turn to for advice. And my heart breaks as I watch my relationship suffer.
“Open” Communication
November 18, 2009 at 1:52 am | In Non-Monogamy | 15 CommentsTags: Honesty, Polyamory
These are some recent quotes on the Twitter reel that caught my attention:
Do you love relationships with endless discussions about negotiating boundaries? Then polyamory may just be for you!
You know you’re poly when your disagreement over computers leads to a discussion about fighting techniques & compromises.
I’m going to play devil’s advocate for a (brief) moment. I imagine a lot of monogamous people are getting tired of hearing what great communicators poly people are. Open relationships DO require a ton of communication, but for any relationship to be successful, communication is essential. Are poly relationships really more communicative than monogamous ones?
I think the difference is, poly people have to be pre-emptively communicative. We have all heard the typical question, “Do you think she’s pretty? You can tell me, I won’t be mad.” Against his better judgment, the partner is eventually fooled into a confession, whereas the stinger is immediately turned on him (“Well then, you might as well go fuck her!”). After a while, the partner learns to just say no.
Most likely, a poly person wouldn’t hesitate to say, “hey, that girl is hot!” and have his partner agree, or at least form an unbiased opinion.
I guess it’s a matter of honest communication about what’s going on in your head. We all find people outside of our relationship attractive, whether we act on it or not. The honesty non-monogamy provides is being able to admit that to our partner without it being taken personally. If I think back to my monogamous relationships, insecurity was in charge of most conversations about other men - I looked at him suggestively. I talked to my ex. I have a male friend at work. I was awfully flirty with that guy. Aren’t I ENOUGH for you??
Perhaps once we cut through all that defensiveness, it lets us focus on the real issues. Jealousy still exists, feeling neglected still exists, all of the things monogamous couples experience still exist, but when we’re free to be truly honest with our partners, it makes navigating arguments so much easier, and we may therefore be “better” communicators.
In other words, we start off with a clean slate. Most of the work is already done, as our egos have already been put in their place.
Bernini’s “The Rape of Proserpina.”
November 17, 2009 at 8:33 am | In Inspirations | Leave a CommentTags: Art
This statue makes me blush. It’s the background image on my computer, and at the end of the day when I’ve gone through dozens of windows and I’m shutting them all down, this is my final result. It sends a shockwave through my heart every time, as though I’ve been caught in an intimate moment, or forgotten to close the blinds when the lights are all on. The grip he has on her thigh, the strength in his hands as he pulls her closer, the feminine folds of her skin as she struggles against him brings me down to the primal level of my wants and I become weak.
This marble sculpture (marble, take a breath) portrays Pluto, god of the underworld, kidnapping Persephone and whisking her away to the depths of Hades. She reaches for Heaven, cries for release. We mortals know this feeling, but it is brought forth in the unparalleled moment of ecstasy called Orgasm, that moment when our eyes do turn to heaven and we convene with the gods. Orgasm is often referred to as La petite mort (the little death), and agony and ecstasy are often interchangeable.
Pluto is tormented by his love for Persephone. He takes her, quite literally, while she is gathering flowers. Had they met under different circumstances, surely Bernini’s sculpture would only vary slightly, as the passion of longing and that of possession meet on very similar grounds. He took her, placed his hands on her and owned her, a pleasure not restricted to Gods alone, as the power of love is legendary in its conviction.
The power of this piece takes my breath away.
Guest Blogger – John Stark from We Sleep Together
November 16, 2009 at 9:00 am | In Guest Bloggers, Non-Monogamy | 4 CommentsTags: Guests, Jealousy, Polyamory
Starting this week, Let’s Eat Cake! is going to start hosting occasional guest bloggers. The first is John Stark, whose blog We Sleep Together contains hilarious, touchingly honest and deliciously erotic stories about the adventures he and his wife share as they explore polyamory. I’ve chosen this post to introduce John with, because it’s such a candid piece and goes straight to the heart of jealousy, fear and committment. He put my own feelings into words better than I’ve ever been able to. Also an amazing piece is Aftercare, where John processes and reacts to his wife coming home with fresh bruises from a spanking session with “Ted.” Brilliant, really. So without further ado. The following post was in response to a reader asking if John was upset about his wife getting a new boyfriend. I think you will enjoy his response as much as I did.
Isn’t one enough?
November 12, 2009 at 11:38 pm | In Non-Monogamy | 24 CommentsTags: Outside Perspective, Polyamory
I love it when people say, “You already have a boyfriend, leave some for the rest of us,” implying that by having multiple partners, poly people are selfishly stealing all the available people in the world. Um, hello. . . we share. That’s kind of the point. It’s not like once we date or sleep with someone, they are locked in, and are suddenly unable to see the allure of other people.
Plus, we can’t steal anyone. It’s not like we’re so amazing, as soon as we set our sights on someone no one else stands a chance. We’re just not that special. If anything, being poly ruins our chances with people more than it wins us points. Our relationship is too complicated, and a lot of people get scared off easily by situations they don’t understand.
This is similar to the accusation that polyamory is all about wanting to “have your cake and eat it too,” hence the name of my blog. I don’t understand why we should be told to sit at the table with a delicious piece of cake in front of us and be forbidden to take a bite. Whose dinner party is this, and why are they so restrictive?
They use words like overindulgent and selfish. How is loving someone a selfish act? How is it overindulgent to recognize that fulfillment comes in many different forms? In many ways, the world is starved for romance, passion and uninhibited lust, and these things should not be withheld and doled out sparingly like field rations . These are unlimited resources. They can be recreated over and over again, with nothing but the hint of a spark and a connection.
That is what I mean by “love is limitless.” So are passion, desire, lust, honesty, self-awareness and all the other pursuits polyamorous people ”indulge” in.
Polyamory is a bad word in America, and I can’t figure out why. Most of us just want to live in peace with the other consenting adults who are important to us, without being judged as selfish, sex-driven hedonists with no respect for monogamy or the sanctity of marriage. Yes, we have our cake, we eat it, and sometimes go back for seconds. But we won’t eat your cake unless you offer it.
Why I love Dan Savage
November 9, 2009 at 5:04 pm | In Inspirations, Non-Monogamy | 11 CommentsTags: Guests, Polyamory
I’ve been reading Dan Savage’s column in the Stranger for so long, I remember when Savage Love was called “Hey Faggot,” and when “Pegging” was coined as a phrase for a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on, by Savage Love readers.
I’ve always thought Dan Savage gave witty, informative and to-the-point responses, and hearing him speak drives that point home for me even more.
On monogamy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm9Bwpxy4V0
One of the myths of monogamy is, where there’s love, monogamy should be easy.
One of the great unacknowledged problems in heterosexual relationships is not just adultery, but despair. The despair of fidelity. The despair of marriage meaning you’ll never see another human being naked again for as long as you live.
And this one, on the “price of admission” required to be in a long-term relationship.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ObrFwjesno
Brilliant – bittersweet honesty.
“There is no settling down without settling for.”
It’s really a love story though, how we keep the myth alive for each other.
The reason we have girlfriends.
November 6, 2009 at 7:36 pm | In Inspirations | 5 CommentsTags: Friends
I have a few close female friends, and once a week or so I will get together with one of them for coffee. This is code for “bitching about our men.” It’s a form of therapy, I think, the way women communicate. It’s an unspoken agreement. One of us will start out with, “So how are things going,” and the other one will sigh and say, “I don’t know. . . ” then launch into an hour-long tirade of all the terrible things her boyfriend(s) did over the past week. The sympathetic listener will interject little things here and there, but basically the speaker has the floor. Then at a silently agreed upon time, we switch places. This goes on for another hour, depending on the time allotted, and then we hug and part ways, feeling like we have grown exponentially. We have expelled the demons. We have sorted our thoughts, categorized our feelings. Whether any of what we said was true, or whether our men were really to blame for it, we’ve purified our image of them, and can now move forward in our relationships with no regrets and less bitterness.
The goal is to surround yourself with people who make smart choices in their own lives.
“No Surprises”
November 4, 2009 at 6:39 pm | In Non-Monogamy | Leave a CommentTags: Polyamory
A lot of couples in the poly community have similar rules that they follow, and one of them is “no surprises.” I understand this. I think I can handle anything my partner’s going to do, as long as I have ample warning that it’s coming, and enough time to process it.
For example, ”Honey, next week I have a date with so-and-so. . .yes, I might sleep with her” is a great way to prepare me for something. . . ”Honey, I met this girl at the club last night and fucked her in the bathroom,”. . . not so good.
Basically, No Surprises gives me time to process something that might be scary, well before the event. It gives me time to get over it, without it having happened yet. I’m not sure why this works, but it does.
Lately I’ve been questioning the No Surprises rule. This is so tough for me to look at objectively. When I ask for no surprises, I think it’s my way of assessing what *could* happen, so my imagination doesn’t run wild. It’s my self-preservation trying to figure out what the threat is.
But looking at it realistically, no amount of forewarning is going to make a threat less threatening, if it truly is a threat. Sheltering your relationship doesn’t protect it, as many people who’ve been cheated on can attest to.
More to the point though, does it diminish the experience if you remove the element of surprise? We are human beings, changing and flexible, and isn’t the surprise of an encounter sometimes the best part? If it’s purely sexual, sometimes that perfect situation lines up, or maybe it’s romantic and your boyfriend surprises you with a weekend getaway. Who knows what crazy things can happen, but the goal here is to be free to pursue our truest desires, and stifling that seems counter-productive.
We should also try to keep our perspective. You’d be surprised what will seem threatening at first, and how much that can change over time and circumstance. You may find that meaningless sex in the bathroom turns out to be way less scary than a romantic night with someone.
I guess it boils down to compromise. After all, we have a common goal here, and a lifestyle we want to maintain that is not easy. If it makes me or my partner comfortable to have no surprises, isn’t that the least we can do?
That was a whole lotta thinking to come right back to my original POV. Just a reminder to be flexible, I guess.
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