On Freedom
Published in Teflon Sisters Issue #2:
When talking about freedom, we often refer to it in a political context; i.e. Freedom of choice; Freedom of religion; Freedom of speech. While these things are thunderously important and worth fighting for, sometimes we overlook one of the most essential rights of all: The freedom to have ownership over ourselves in our relationships.
Last month I attended a lecture by astrophysicist Neil DeGrasse Tyson. As part of his speech, he produced a slide, showing where humans fall in the timeline of the universe. Not surprisingly (though contrary to our egos), it showed that we are practically microscopic in the grand scheme of things, reminding us that we are blips on the screen, that this is our one shot at life; we are dying as we speak.
It seems impossible that we could take this for granted. It seems unheard of that we would spend the split second of time we are alive and breathing living for someone else, yet so many people do just that. People spend an abhorrent amount of time apologizing for their existence, and it’s usually to their significant other. Sometimes it’s for simple things, such as looking at the opposite sex. Sometimes it goes deeper; they allow themselves to be controlled by their partner instead of insisting their partner take control of themselves.
It’s that guy at the party who is miserable because his wife controls his every move. He’s sneaking drinks and asking his friends to lie to her about it. It’s the girl who is so terrified of her boyfriend cheating that she constantly checks up on him. She knows where he is at every minute of every day. It’s the bullshit lines we feed our lovers about our relationships with others. She claims “He’s just a friend.” He swears up and down, “I don’t think she’s attractive.” I actually heard someone say, “My husband hates strip clubs.” I bet he doesn’t watch porn either. Too many people aren’t “allowed” to have friends of the opposite sex. Think about that – 7 billion people in the world that may never meet because their boyfriend or girlfriend “wouldn’t like it.” How much of your life are you willing to sacrifice to another to feed their insecurities? How much of someone else’s will you demand?
Sometimes people are just as guilty of lying to themselves. They convince themselves this is what love looks like; they confuse jealousy with love, and control with trust. People justify things; they believe that changing fundamental parts of their significant other comes with the territory. Somehow people have become conditioned to accept this idea of mine – My car, my job, my boyfriend, and therefore see their partner as a direct representation of themselves. The concept of ownership runs rampant. “Don’t wear those shoes, don’t have those friends, don’t style your hair that way, don’t dance like that, because it will make ME look bad.” It’s no wonder people are hesitant to label their relationships - they know once they do they’ll be in a constant battle with that person for the rights to their own personality.
Things like this are hard to unlearn. The simplest thing that people tend to forget is that our significant others are completely self sustaining, all inclusive human beings, with or without our input. They existed before they met us and they will exist after, and we should cherish the time they have chosen to exist with us, which includes cherishing them for who they are . . .not who we want them to be.
Freedom, to me, means having the right to be self-governing, and accepting other people’s right to do the same. The fact is we’re all already free; some of us just need to cut the cord, already. As Voltaire so eloquently stated, “Man is free at the moment he wishes to be.”
So what are you waiting for?
