Where’s my lighter?

I am experiencing the worst case of writer’s block ever experienced by anyone, ever.  Ok, I know that’s not possible, but I think it’s been a year since I’ve written anything worth reading.  I know, I know, I had a year’s worth of “cancer blogging” to show for it, but I feel like that was from the heart, not the mind, which is the difference between acing a sociology final and a math final.  With emotive writing, you just open up your veins and pour it out onto the paper, but with the other kind of writing, you use an entirely different part of your brain – the engaging, rational, critical thinking part.  I’m missing a lot of the critical thinking stuff.

Conveniently, we’re coming up on New Years.  I suppose I could use this time to set a resolution of writing daily, or even weekly, but I’d rather not do that.  You don’t need to be bothered by my wasted words, empty thoughts written for writing’s sake; I can do that in my own time.  And do resolutions even work?  As the WordPress wall tells me, there are countless blogs about how to succeed at your resolutions this year, but something about their titles – “5 ways to blah blah blah,” tells me they are just trying to bring more traffic to their site – something I could appreciate a year ago, but has now lost its appeal.

Simply, I miss being a regular blogger with an actual group of people who read my stuff and engage with one another about important topics, and who tripped my synapses into firing and my blood to flowing, and already I can feel the old fire seeping in, a bizarre blend of emotive and cognitive, which perhaps is exactly what I’ve been looking for.

I’m not poly anymore.  This is a big deal to me, as someone who has been in an open relationship of one type or another for over 7 years, not to mention it being the topic of limitless possibilities for my blog.  Part of me feels like I covered so very much in the couple of years I blogged about it; another part feels like I barely scratched the surface.  Regardless, that part of my life is over, and it’s time for me to finally solidify it by doing the only cathartic thing I know – blog about it.

I think polyamory is a very valid choice to make, either in a relationship or solo; I found many positive things about it, including honesty I never thought possible, trust on a very intimate level, and the spice of adding new and varying sexual dynamics to my relationships.  These are all fulfilling things, and they made it worth it in the long run.  However, quite simply, I think I’ve grown out of it.  This is not to say, in any way, that polyamory is an immature lifestyle – quite the contrary – but I feel like in my seven years of being open, a lot of the pursuit was shallow and misguided.  Yes, I had very meaningful relationships, and even fell in love, but I was always holding a little part of myself back from my partner(s).  I could rationalize things logically, but the bottom line for me is I’m tired of rationalizing.  I can play devil’s advocate and drive it home that monogamy won’t protect me from the things I struggled with in my poly relationships, but I already feel less worn out, and that’s kind of a big deal.

So that’s my blurb about polyamory.  Kind of strange that I can encapsulate 7 years in one brief paragraph, but it’s how I do things.  Once I’ve made up my mind, it’s history.  The bigger question now is, how do I get back to blogging, and what on earth do I talk about?  Toward the end of my blogging “career,” for lack of a better word (why do we say that?  There’s always a better word), I spent some time focusing on “isms” – things that pissed me off regarding racism, gender biases, or the sexually prudish.  I will never stop getting riled up by the sexually prudish, but I’m kind of tired about talking about the non-PC nature of our society.  It’s just the way it is, and you just can’t please everyone all the time.  There is always a fanatic group, a disgruntled radical, or a troll that will find something to bitch about.  And no matter which side of the fence you’re on, they will always be waiting in the wings.  I wish there was a special button on my computer that would not only demolish anyone too far off the spectrum of left or right, but simultaneously ban them from commenting, and trigger a giant middle finger to appear on any webpage the click after leaving their comment.

But how many people wish they could do that to me?  Overall, judging people is pointless, because at one point or another most of us could find ourselves in their shoes, or similar.

So what’s my point?  Over the next few weeks, I’ll be making changes to my blog, trying to push it more in the direction I want it to go, after having spent the past year growing, changing, evolving and learning.  Rather than curtailing my angst, I feel I’ve cultivated it, rounded out the rough edges, and perhaps gained a new sense of maturity since the blogging of yesteryear, and I’m ready to start tackling some interesting new topics surrounding religion, science, and of course, America’s favorite topic, sex.

Here’s to the new year, and a new platform for thought-provoking discourse.

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