Talk about Choices. . .

I’m beginning to see how being poly has changed my outlook on day-to-day life, and the disappointments that come with that.

Take movies, for example.  Often times, a main character is presented with a choice between two lovers.  In my innocence, (I swear, that’s what it is!) I find myself thinking maybe they’ll find a way to make both relationships work.  It just seems the obvious answer to me.  But inevitably, one of the contestants in the running will fall back to friend status, or will do something horrible at the last minute to push the decider away, making his or her choice easy. 

There are a few movies that buck this trend, and I am always filled with joy when I see them.  “Bandits” is one of these movies, where the woman decides in the end that she can’t choose between two (unique, completely different, wonderful) men, and then decides she shouldn’t have to.  They agree. 

Is this selfishness?  Is it based in the inability to “just commit, damnit”?  It is true that there are some things that are made better by your willingness to sacrifice?

I don’t have all the answers.  But I know that when there are two amazing men in my life, and they both want nothing from me but love, and to love me in return, and everyone is accepting of this situation, it is more of a sacrifice to not allow it to happen.  And if anyone were to look at Luke and I and say we aren’t commited to each other, well, they wouldn’t know the word if it slapped them in the face.

This world is full of beautiful, wonderful people.  Sometimes we don’t know this until we get to know them better.  Sometimes we find out that they weren’t worth getting to know at all.  But so many relationships are destroyed when one person decides to find out by cheating.  How many people have had an affair only to find that it wasn’t worth it? *Raises hand!*

I am not an extreme advocate for polyamory (believe it or not).  I’m not saying this kind of relationship is for everyone.  I’m certainly not saying it is the natural order of things, or even easy at times.  But I see so many genuinely good relationships ruined because of something that could have been simply looked at differently.  Or worse, people continue to suffer through ungratifying relationships because they are commited to their partner or their marriage, and in turn are sacrificing themselves.

Take BDSM for example.  Imagine for a moment if your partner said to you tonight, “Honey, tonight I want you to bind my hands and feet, tie a toilet bowl brush to my face, put on some stilettos and grind them into my back as I clean our toilet.”  Could you get into it?  Even if it was something your partner genuinely needed to be happy in your relationship?  What, you’re not into that?  Well. . . can’t you fake it??  After all, this is your partner, and you are the only one who can satisfy their every desire.   

You see where I’m going with this. 

I am not perfect.  I am incapable of answering every one of my partners needs.  Some, I don’t want to answer!  It’s too high of an expectation that one person can be your everything, and I don’t want to be idolized like that.  Plus, we both know I’d be faking it   I’d rather be secure enough to know I can pursue my desires in a safe environment with someone who is satisfied by the same things I am.  It’s even better knowing I don’t have to lose my amazing partner because of it.

It’s so sad to me when people tell me they are in a mismatched sexual relationship.  Their wife doesn’t have sex with them enough.  Their husband doesn’t know the meaning of foreplay.  Their sex life is unfulfilling, even though everything else in the relationship is wonderful and satisfying.  It is my automatic response to ask why they can’t get those needs met elsewhere, given that their emotional, primary needs are being met by their partner.  It’s finally sinking in to me that people just aren’t wired that way.

Having “Second” Thoughts. . .

I’ve been reading lately about the “secondary perspective,” or the point of view of the non-primary partner(s) in an open relationship.

Often times, the primary people in an open relationship get so caught up in “their rights,” and focusing on their own needs, that they often don’t pay enough attention to the other people in their partner’s lives.  Here are a couple of excerpts from a blog I was reading that gave me a little different perspective. 

 I’m almost terrified of being the new person entering an established relationship. I’ve met and connected well with one partner, but have yet to meet the other. Will she like me? Will she be jealous? Will she and I hit it off amazingly well? It’s a big step for all involved.

I was the new person. The “fun one” for a while. And yes, resentment built. And yes, it was rocky and ouchy and very not fun. The long and short of it — He & I had more hobbies in common, and his wife saw that as me being “the fun one”. Much fighting, crying and therapy later, we’re working it out. But let me say, from this perspective, this is a really crappy place to be. You sit there, as they fight and inside your head is spinning “is this really b/c of me? Did I do/not do something to that made this marriage so wobbly?” and so on and so forth.

Whew.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to step out of my position in the relationship and look at what the other person might be feeling.  Sometimes the word “Girlfriend” or “Boyfriend” is such a scary shadow, like this looming possible threat to a primary relationship, it’s easy to forget that there is a living, breathing, complicated human being behind the title, and they deserve equal respect and recognition as a vital part of the relationship.

This isn’t always easy.  Regardless of how logical we can be, and how we both know that being open is what we truly want, and the good definitely outweighs the bad, it’s still hard sometimes.  Of course it is!  We’re human, and are functioning humans, complete with jealousy, insecurity and fear.

There’s this word that’s used a lot in the poly community, and it’s a word that irritates me:  Compersion.  This is the act of being happy for someone simply because they are happy.  It’s supposed to override jealousy and feelings of being left out, and many people strive for it in their open relationship.  To be completely honest, I’m happy just to be able to handle jealousy as well as I do (which isn’t that well!), and get through every day knowing that my partner and I are pursuing the kind of relationship we want to have, even if it sometimes seems like a horribly daunting task.  Finding inner joy because my partner’s face lights up when he goes on a date?  Sorry, that ain’t me.

I am, however, capable of recognizing the joy my partner feels with the other people in his life, not only because I feel it in my own relationship, but because the people he chooses to share his heart with are good people.  It takes an incredibly selfless person to be a non-primary partner in a relationship.  The person you love isn’t always going to be available to you when you need them.  There are certain restrictions on your relationship, and after several years of being together, that may not seem quite fair.  Then there’s the torture of wanting more with your boyfriend/girlfriend, like “next step”-itis.  You’ve been with someone for a long time and you begin to get feelings of nesting, of living with that person.  These things aren’t really possible if the person you’re in love with lives with or is married to someone else (except in those truly remarkable cases where everyone lives together).  I know I feel these things at times, and I can’t imagine being on the other end, where you have to feel these things and go home alone. 

I find it truly remarkable, the capabilites of the selfless heart. 

100 Books to Read Before I Die

Update:  I decided to start a separate blog to dedicate to my “100 Books to Read Before I Die” list, to keep this blog pretty much focused on open relationships. 

If you want to stay updated, add my new blog to your RSS Feed!

http://www.1millionwords.wordpress.com

 

What about the children?

 

I’m not sure about you other poly parents (wait, do those even exist?), but one thing I hear over and over again is, “I guess being open is cool, but I feel sorry for the kids.”  In fact, the Polyamory Society website now has a warning to parents:  If your PolyFamily has children, please do not put your children and family at risk by coming out to the public or by being interviewed [by] the press!

People are losing their children because they’re poly.  Forget child abuse, alcoholism or neglect - there is a new enemy:  Too much love.  Too much honesty.  And “so many people to hug!” as my daughter recently said.  Turns out people really are afraid of what they don’t understand, and the courts are now pointing the finger at poly families. 

Someone gossiped to me recently that an acquaintance of mine was discussing my relationship, and said he disapproved of it strictly because of my daughter. . .a couple of hours before telling stories of how drunk he was while he was watching his own young daughters.  People in glass houses. 

So what does a poly relationship look like when kids are involved?  As every relationship is different, I can only attest to my own.  It’s important to realize we are not unaware of the negative impact our relationships could have on my daughter.  We could be having orgies all over the house.  My daughter could wake up to find a different man in my bed every night.  A string of trampy women could be introduced as mommy #2 every other week. 

But no, we have rules.  We don’t introduce my daughter to anyone we aren’t confident is going to be around for a long time.  In fact, my daughter has only met 3 people, one is my current (year long) boyfriend, Luke’s (year and a half plus) girlfriend, and another woman Luke dated for over a year.  When I finally “came out” to my daughter, it was 4 months into my current relationship, and she was actually quite upset with me that I hadn’t told her sooner.

These relationships are not detrimental to my child.  In fact, they are quite the opposite.  As a witness to our lifestyle, it’s my hope that my daughter will be raised to see that jealousy is better dealt with through communication, not the silent treatment or anger.  She will have a deeper grasp on the concept that a person is not a possession and cannot be owned.  It will be a reminder that not all relationships fit a mold.  She will see that love is bountiful, and virtually limitless.  She will see the effort Luke and I put into communication, and above all, she will see what it looks like when two people are completely honest with themselves and each other.

There are other benefits that are more important to a 13-year old.  More present on Christmas!   More people to do fun stuff with!  More people interested in her life.  She has developed relationships with the people in our lives, and it’s very clear how much she likes both of them, and they her.  I realized our relationship had met a pinnacle of success when my boyfriend picked my daughter up for a day on the town, and stopped by Luke’s girlfriend’s work to say hi. 

If I’m being honest, the only thing I can see that could pose some problems for her, is how her friends view our relationship.  She has discussed it with a few of her friends, and all she’s said is, “they don’t get it,” but nobody has said anything negative about it.  My bigger fear is when one of her friend’s uptight parents catches wind of it. . .I’m sure we’ll be treated like homosexuals (gasp!) or a mixed race couple (shame!!).  How I wish people weren’t so close-minded.

I just wish people could trust that a couple who is mature enough and in-tune with each other enough to pull off a successful open relationship. . .might be equally as sensitive and aware of the effects it could have on their child.

Who do you love more?

   

I’m pretty low today.  I’m relatively sure it’s coming up to that time of the month, because my eyes are a little swollen (weird, I know).

It’s days like these, plus the rain, that make it hard to be in an open relationship.  Sometimes, I just get jealous.  And it’s completely irrational jealousy complete with double standards and biting remarks.

In my mind, it makes perfect sense that I can be jealous that my partner is showing his girlfriend affection, then turn to my boyfriend for consolation.  And it feels different, because I’m the one doing it.  Yes.  In my irrational, PMS-y head, that makes sense. 

So.  What to do? 

The only way I know how to deal with jealousy is to berate my partner for details, to somehow confirm that he loves me more.  Like love can be measured?  In fact, I get that very question asked about my two lovers.  “Who do you love more?”  What kind of a question is that?  I think what they’re really asking is, “Who do you consider your MAIN boyfriend,” and while even that is a weird question (to me), the answer is Luke, because we live together, we raise a child together and most importantly to this conversation, we are responsible to and for each other.

It’s not like I don’t know this, right?  So why does it make me crazy jealous to watch him text some girl for the umpteenth time that night?  Or call his girlfriend “baby”?  Or the way he looks at some women when they walk in the room. 

The human response is – Because he’s “MINE.”

Besides the obvious flaw in feeling like we have the right to claim ownership to another human being (even your children are not YOURS), is the big fat double standard that I see nothing wrong with texting my boyfriend all night, or calling him baby, or giving him that same seductive look.  Those things don’t take away from my love for Luke, so why on earth would I imagine it takes away from his love for me?  Especially when his behavior shows nothing out of the ordinary? 

These are some of the crazy negative thoughts I have from time to time, especially during this time.  And it sucks, because I can’t stuff it, or hide it, and it shows a really ugly side of myself I’m not comfortable with.

Can we please remove the jealousy gene now?  Or maybe my uterus?

Don’t tread on me, otherwise known as “Why I’m an unapproachable bitch.”

The truth is, I don’t know, but since I’m prone to self-analysis I’ve at least considered it.

Maybe it’s because people, in general, let me down.  Not by betrayal or actual disappointment, but by their sheer existence.  Shun me if you will, but I have the overall opinion that people are not worth my time.  Not because I’m something extraordinary or brilliant, but because so many people show such an utter lack of self-respect in everything they do, it repulses me.  I can only assume this is the case, because when someone does show a sense of dignity, they shine like a beacon of light in a crowd.  These people are the ones I attach myself to, the ones I call friends.  In many ways, I feel you CAN judge a book by its cover, and a douchebag is just as identifiable as an unapproachable bitch. 

In the meantime, I have a razor sharp bubble around me.  I’m sure people see me as angry and cold, bitchy or stuck up.   In many ways they are right, based on my explanation above.  I’m rather critical.  I don’t tolerate drama.  I will end a friendship and never look back if I feel I am wronged.  On the flip side, if you do break through the bubble, as plenty of you know, I will be an unwavering friend through thick and thin. 

I’m beginning to see that being unapproachable has its benefits.  There isn’t anyone on this planet that doesn’t know where they stand with me.  I am not talked into doing things I don’t want to do.  You won’t find me being cornered in the bar by some lecherous drunk who just wants to “get to know me.”  I am not the girl that has porntastic make-out sessions with the drunkest girl in the bar for the viewing pleasure of the frat boys.  People do not take liberties with me.  I am not a Yes girl.  Perhaps this means I’m missing out on some “wild nights,” but I think I’ve had enough empty encounters and been the center of enough gossip in my life to be over it.

The weird thing is, I know I’m a friendly, outgoing, sociable person on the inside.  When I love, I do it wholeheartedly.  I want to say, ”Hey guys!  Talk to me!  I’m really not as bad as I seem!” but that’s just not the truth.

My point?  I’m trying.  I’m making small attempts to be friendly to strangers, and engage people in conversation, and step down off this mountain, because I know people are complicated, and are wearing their own masks, and if I’d never opened myself up to the genuine miracles I do consider friends, I’d be missing that much joy in my life right now.

So please, be patient with me.    

But don’t you dare slap my ass.

Queen Bee

 

This is going to be a bitchy post, whether I try to stay in the mindset of patience, and accepting other’s newness to this situation or not.  I have realized recently what a precarious position I hold as the primary partner in an actively open relationship, compared to the other women my partner gets involved with.  In a sense, I am instantly ostracized, because of my title.

My relationships with women are already complicated, as it takes a very particular type of woman for me to get along with.  I have a strong personality, and my friendships with women tend to go one of two ways: I either immediately dominate them, or I encounter a personality as strong as mine, and we butt heads.  Add to this the fact that I have a hard time deciding if I really like a woman, or just want to have sex with her, and you can see why I have very few female friends.

Taking all this into account, introduce women that are trying to have sex with my boyfriend.  Whether I am ok with it or not, I am treated so. . .delicately. . . and I’m a little irritated by it.  Granted, I got no sleep last night, I’m a little bitchy anyway, but a couple situations happened this weekend that kinda put me over the edge, and it made all the incidences in the past come crashing down in one. . .big. . SNUB.

Please.  If you want to date someone in an open relationship,try to avoid the following interactions with their partner.

1)  Don’t try to fuck me just to get to my man - I can’t tell you how many girls have met me for the first time and tried to flirt with me, thinking I might be more ok with it if I’m involved.

2) Don’t try to be my best friend - Just because my man thinks you’re hot, it doesn’t mean I want to share all my secrets with you, or hug you the first time I meet you.  This is not a love fest. 

3) Don’t pretend to like me just because you think you have to.  I will see right through it, and sometimes it’s hurtful to hear “Oh, we should totally go out next weekend,” and have it just be lip service.  

4) We don’t have to have anything in common.  My partner is not pursuing you because you remind him of ME, or vice versa.  I don’t need you to agree with what I say, or become an actress so we will have something to talk about.  I know I can be overwhelming sometimes, but please, just be YOURSELF, and if we hit it off, great.

5)  Our lifestyle is different, this is true.  And I understand a lot of people are taught to lie to their partners.  I know we’re hard to grasp.  But please, please don’t ask my partner to lie to me.  Not only will it blow up in your face, it will make me less likely to accept you in the future.

It’s not often that I bitch about these things, and I feel a little. . . judgmental. . .doing it now.  I know open relationships are contrary to what a lot of people know.  It’s very hard to unlearn something you’ve taken your whole life to learn.  I also see that I *am* hard to approach sometimes, but I look at the women who have broken through and impressed me by just being real, and I feel validated. 

Bottom line – Sometimes it’s hard for me too, and I feel like I’ve taken a beating lately, so damnit I’m gonna bitch about it.

Rite of Passage

My daughter turned 13 last week.

This is heavy.

I can’t help but wonder if I’ve done right by her so far, if the memories we’ve created will be enough for her to say she had a happy childhood.  Somewhere between too much TV, too much junk food and a semi-feminist, anti-complacent, crazy writer/burlesque producing, controlling poly mom, she seems to have survived ok so far.

I wonder if she’ll ever give me some entirely too adult quip about how I never did anything for her. 

Of course she will.

I watch her, emerging into a woman; I see the adult face trying to get out, still snuggled safely behind the softness of baby fat, but her eyes are fierce and brilliant.  I loathe the day she cries big fat tears over some love who broke her heart, probably over some horrible thing like her bra strap accidentally showing.  Teenagers are brutal.

She makes good choices in friends.  I can’t say the same for the friends parents, who are “like fifty and wear mock turtlenecks,” but they’ve at least produced a smart bunch of kids, who are aware that through their own insecurity they should be more accepting of each other’s flaws. 

I think of the things I was doing when I was 13, and I shudder.  When I had this child, freshly into my 18th year, I expected to fulfill the curse my own mother placed upon me, that some day I would have a child just like me.  I think my mother is still waiting to smile in self-righteous glee.  Alas, the day has yet to come, as my precocious woman-child is developing into a mature, bright, emotionally balanced young woman.

Of course, 13 isn’t 16, and the hell that awaits me is probably hotter than Dante’s worst imagnings, but for now, I am grateful for the joy that is this little girl.

Polyfidelitous

There’s a word for it!  I’ve been referring to my relationship as binogomous, because I didn’t know there was an actual term coined for it.  For those of you that don’t know, I’m in an, ahem, polyfidelitous relationship with two men, which means I don’t sleep with or date people outside of those two relationships.  Except, well. . .

This is really a precursor to a sensitive conversation I’d like to have with you all.  I need your opinion.  This is a long standing battle between Luke and I, and I’m looking for a convincing argument one way or the other to settle this.

The question, in a nutshell, is this:  Can you be considered monogamous if you still have same-sex encounters outside the relationship?  I’m not looking for root words and latin definitions - I want to know what you feel about this, in a real sense, not an academic one.

In other words, when I am in a monogamous relationship with a man, does it break the monogamy if I sleep with women?  Or is that kind of a given?  I consider it a given.  If Luke and I both had aneurysms tomorrow and decided we were going to be monogamous, I wouldn’t even question that it meant I could still sleep with women, because it’s something Luke (or any other man) couldn’t possibly satisfy.  It’s a horse of a different color.  Hell, it’s a completely different animal.   

I know this seems like a double standard to some of you, but I assure you if Luke was bisexual, and we were monogamous, it would make sense to me that he would fulfill that side of himself with boys on the side.  Fortunately, in real life, no one is offended that I have sex with girls.  Of course, I would never, ever be with a man that couldn’t handle the fact that I love and sleep with women.  While I didn’t choose my bisexuality, I sure as hell can choose the type’s of relationships I have.  Luke just likes to fight the point on principal.

His argument is that an emotional need is being met too, and the heart doesn’t care if you’re male or female.  I assert that it is still different.  If I were to give up women, why. . . it would be like asking Luke to give up women too.  There would literally be a void in my soul that would slowly eat away at me until I became a shell of my former self (one point for drama).  The part of me that has the need for heterosexual relationships is satisfied in abundance, but the other half (not just a sliver, it’s an entire HALF) of me would be neglected to the point of misery.  In other words – It’s not my fault he’s straight. 

I’m sure he would have more points to cite if he were reading this, so I can’t completely represent his argument, but the topic still begs to be discussed.

Anyone?  Bueller?

Here’s to another awkward moment

This weekend was chock-full of awkward moments, from my manager finding out about my relationship (don’t worry, he was the most intelligent inquisitor), to the drunk girl at the bar unknowingly introducing Luke to his girlfriend as  “the guy who has two girlfriends.”  Oh, and on my camping trip being told, “No offense, but you’re fucked up.”  Yeah, thanks. . .none taken.

Really, these moments don’t offend me, because I understand that the mere existence of our relationship is offensive to so many.  I try to be patient with people as they try to understand me, as long as they try, it’s just. . . tiring. .. answering the same questions over and over.  I imagine it’s similar to someone adopting a child of a different race.  Some will judge, most won’t, but I imagine people ask all the same questions.  Again, this is ok, as people navigate a different concept, but sometimes I feel like making a t-shirt that says, “yes he can fuck other people, yes I still get jealous, yes we actually like each other, no you can’t have my number.”

I guess I’m a little burned out about it today.  I understand our relationship is different.  It’s just. . . imagine if every time you mentioned your boyfriend/girlfriend, people had a list of questions for you, just to make sure you actually love your partner, and that you’re really happy.  A girl asked Luke last week, bewildered, “you actually like the girl you live with?” 

I’m trying to maintain perspective. 

Last night someone found themselves right in the middle of the reality of our relationship, as Luke kissed his girlfriend goodbye, and I hugged her goodbye afterwards.  There was another girl standing there who looked at us and said, “Awkwaaaard!”  I realized that while she’s the only one in that particular situation that was uncomfortable about it. . . it’s a recurring theme in our lives.  Suddenly flashbacks of our friends, people who have known us the entirety of our relationship, came flooding in, from those who can’t even handle us talking about our relationship, to the ones who reference our relationship in every joke or smart remark they can. 

I imagine we’re losing our identities a bit to our relationship status.  “That’s the girl with two boyfriends.  That guy sleeps with like, mass girls, omg, and his girlfriend doesn’t care.”  For the record, if I didn’t care, I’d be a pretty shitty partner.

Oh well, these are things I have to expect, and accept, if I’m to live a non-traditional lifestyle.  I guess I just figured after almost 3 years, it would lose its shock value. 

Hey, at least I’m supporting my motto – “Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.”